Archive for Story & Jokes

Jan
01

Forget me not!!!!!

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There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'”

Actor holding a rose
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

“You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”
The actor was bewildered, “What happened, did I forget my line?”

He asked. “No!” the director screamed, “You forgot the bloody rose!” … Another great laugh … Hahahahaha!!!!

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Jan
01

Say Grace Before Meal

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Oh My God, you just have to watch this, I have never see this in my entire life … This can really put all mankind to shame!!!! Have a Happy Holiday everyone and a brand New Year ahead …. Enjoy … X-))

Check out this video on YouTube:

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Dec
31

Don’t play play!!!!!

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The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT team was trying to get him out.

A cop got on the bullhorn and said, “Come on out, or I’m going to come in there and drag you out!”

The murderer called back, “I’m warning you. If you don’t wipe your feet when you come in, my wife’ll kill us both!”

Hahahahaha!!!! Don’t play play ok …. Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

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On New Year’s Eve, Mary stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death …. Hahahahahaha!!!!

Word of advice “IF YOU DRINK DO NOT DRIVE!!!! IF YOU DRIVE DO NOT DRINK!!!!” have a happy holidays folks!!!!

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Dec
31

Out for Lunch with Boss

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A sale rep, a admin assistant and their boss are walking to lunch when theGaniey find an old oil lamp.

The sale rep rubs off some of the grime and a genie comes out in a cloud of smoke. The Genie says, “I only grant 3 wishes, so I will grant one for each of you.”

“Dips on the first one!” says the admin assistant. “I relax on a beach in maui, with an endless supply of Sailor Jerry, without a care in the world.” All of the sudden there is a poof and a cloud of smoke and the assistant is gone.

The sales rep is amazed and steps up to go next. “I want to be transported to bora bora with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Instantly the sale rep is gone.

The genie then turns to the boss and says Boss “You’re next.”
Assistance
The boss thinks for a moment and then says, “I want both of them back in the office by noon!!!!” …. Hahahahahahaha … Buey Tahan man!!!!

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Yo! Yo! Hey, guys just have to watch this tube, might just learn something here, hopefully a voice for us but in a different tune, since the pen has no power to draw the authorities any attention!!! 

Especially with all the recent increases and break down in public transports. I appreciate very much Toh Yifan (Tzire) and the whole team for putting this up. Thank you again!!!

This is what I call Singapore talent … Enjoy!!! 

SMRT / ComfortDelgro Rant Rap (Response To MP Seng Han Thong) Ft. Joe Expat — Tzire

Check out this video on YouTube:

LYRICS IN DESCRIPTION

See I hardly even take, the MRT, 
But when I did it had to break down on my way to Clarke Quay, 
And I couldn’t even drink my Dasani, 
If not I would be fined enough to trade off my car keys, 
Stuck on the train, I wanted to pee, 
So bad, I was so mad, why it happened to me, 
But then I saw it differently, had an epiphany, 
Now let me take this opportunity to flame SMRT,
And also ComfortDelgro and the Ministry of Transportation, 
Two heavyweights at extorting the nation,
Of our money, through increasing fares, 
And increasing stress cos our pay is increasing less, 
And now my life is meaning less, 
When everytime I board the bus and tap my card I pay 14 more cents, 
Because of this, my whole life is really messed, SMRT best.

But to add oil to fire, even the cab fares have raised, 
So now it’s not just bus and train problems we face, 
Cos the peak hour duration for Comfort cabs have been lengthened,
And that in turn, has caused my willpower to live be strengthened, 
But no matter how strong I am, it doesn’t really matter, 
When trains are breaking down in tunnels, it’s cause for chatter, 
Cos people could die in there, there’s no lying there, 
You don’t expect Superman to help us and fly in there. 

So to SMRT, treat this as a lesson, 
From my opinion, this problem shouldn’t be too pressin,
Or stressin ’cause this is your job, your profession, 
If it happens again, you better lower our concession. 
But to be fair, us Singaporeans should be aware, 
How we’re overreacting ’cause these accidents are rare, 
Cos SMRT has served us well over the years, 
It’s just one major mistake, lets not be harsh or fierce.

But I completely changed that thought when I saw MP Seng Han Thong, 
He should really wear a thong ’cause he’s getting everything wrong, 
Putting the blame on people in a racist way, 
Regardless on what basis, it won’t get you places, hey!
So if the system doesn’t change, I really hate to say, 
But on this lovely island, I may be afraid to stay 
So I’ll stop here and let my American friend continue, 
His public transport experience he wants to share with you, 

Joe Expat: 
While you were stuck in that tunnel on that MRT, 
I was lounging in Comfort paying the ERP
And while I was ride all alone down the AYE
The driver kept on saying that the fares are too steep
Said that even when it’s raining — his car is emp-ty
That the passengers couldn’t pay him — half the time this week
Couldn’t cover his own rental — on these lonely streets
His talk was making me mental — about to put me to sleep
But he told me my charges — I almost weeped
Couldn’t pay my fare — my pocket ain’t that deep
Have to be a millionaire — to ride during the peak
So next time I”ll just take my chances on the MRT…

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Dec
30

Thinking out of the box!!

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Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy’s mother looked straight into his eyes and said, “I hope you didn’t ask for a second piece of cake.”

“No,” replied Tommy, “but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking.” … Hahahahahahaha!!!!

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A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random.
When the phone is answered, he asks, “Can I speak to Bill, please?”
“No! There’s no one called Bill here,” says the person who answGoered the phone.
His father hangs up. “That’s irritation,” he says.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Bill a second time.
“No, there’s no one here called Bill. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police,” the person says.
His father hangs up and says, “That’s aggravation. ”

“Then what’s frustration? ” asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
“Hello, this is Bill. Have I received any phone calls?” he asks casually … Wow!!! Awesome daddy!!!!!

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Dec
30

Computer Dating Services

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A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn’t care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common — they were both pathological liars …. Hahahahaha!!!!!

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Dec
29

Say Grace before you eat!!!!!!

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Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’ s house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Johnny wait until we say our prayer.”

“I don’t have to,” The boy replied.

“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We say a prayer, before eating, at our house.”

“That’s our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.” ….. Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!

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A man found himself in terrible financial difficulties. He is so desperate that for the first time in his life he gets down on his knees and prays to God for help. ‘Dear God, I desperately need your help. I have no money to spend on Christmas presents for my family. Could you possibly arrange it so that I win the Lottery?’

The lottery draw is held, but he wins nothing. He sends another prayer to God. ‘My business has gone bust and if I don’t get some money soon I’ll lose my car and my Christmas will be will be very difficult. Please fix things so I win the lottery.’

Lottery night comes, but he’s unlucky. So he prays to God again. ‘Please God, I’ve lost my car and now they’re trying to take my house. Please help me to win the Lottery or our Christmas will be ruined.’

Come lottery night, he again fails to win anything. ‘Undeterred, be prays to God again. ‘I am now a bankrupt, my house has been repossessed by the finance company and so has my car. We are now living on the street, but all I need to get my life back together and perhaps enjoy some kind of Christmas is to win the lottery.’

Suddenly there’s a flash of brilliant life as the heavens open and the man is confronted by the very voice of God himself. ‘Hey, do me a favour will you, buy a ticket.’ …. Hahahahahahaha!!!!

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Here are ten useful phrases for responding to Christmas presented you would rather not have received:

1. Thanks a lot!
2. My word! What a gift.
3. Well, well, well …
4. If I hadn’t put on so much weight recently it would have fitted me perfectly.
5. Gosh, I hope I never lose this. We’re always losing things around here.
6. It’s great; but I’m worried about the jealousy it may create.
7. Just my luck to get this, on the Christmas I promised to give all my gifts to charity.
8. Unfortunately, I am about to enter MI5’s Witness Protection programme.
9. Frankly, I don’t deserve this.
10. Really, you shouldn’t have.

Hehehehe …. Now the cat is out of the bag!!!!!

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John came rushing in to his Dad. “Dad!” he puffed, “is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?”

“That’s what they say,” said his Dad.

“Well, give me an apple quick ? I’ve just broken the doctor’s window!” Hahahahaha … Now why didn’t I think of that …. Brilliant kid!!!!

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Dec
29

Christmas jokes … Enjoy!!!!!

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A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent’s house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.

“Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope.”

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”

“I know” he replied, “But Grandma is!” … Hahahahaha!!!!

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Oct
01

What the eyes cannot see

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What the eyes cannot see – Chapter 1

Cardboard boxes were stacked on top of one another, some even precariously so, against the walls. The wall paper, imprinted with green and red vertical stripes that alternated in width, was beginning to peel. Absentmindedly, I began to scratch at it, peeling it further until I heard a soft cough coming from behind me. Spinning around, I felt my face heat up in embarrassment at being caught. 

“Having fun, aren’t we?” My new landlady, a woman by the name of Mrs. Olivia Manson said as she leaned against the door frame. She was a woman of average height, with shoulder-length blonde hair that ended in a slight curl. Her bangs fell just slightly over her brilliant blue eyes that shone just like an ocean on a summer’s day. Her lips were quirked into a small smile as she stared at me, making me feel rather awkward. 

“Mrs. Manson! Good afternoon,” I said, bowing rather awkwardly to her, “I was just thinking of maybe replacing the wall paper since it’s a bit old.” 

“Oh yes,” Mrs. Manson said as she clapped her hands as if in remembrance of something. “You can change the wallpaper if you’d like. Maybe to something more Oriental if you’re feeling a bit nostalgic.”

 Mrs. Manson continued to gesticulate wildly at the wall while pitching in more ideas on how to make my room a bit more ‘homier’. 

“I shall take all your ideas into consideration Mrs. Manson.” I said, reassuring her as I walked her to the door. “I hope you’ll excuse me, but I have a lot of unpacking to do.” 

Mrs. Manson let out a small chuckle. 

“My dear boy, you are far too polite. Anyway, call me if you find any problem with your room.” Mrs. Manson said, as she began to walk away from my rented room. “Welcome to the building Laurent.” 

“Thank you!” I called after her. Grinning, I reflected upon the day’s events. Moving had been really successful, but it was tiring.

 Outside, by the door of my new room, stood the rest of the cardboard boxes housing my miscellaneous belongings. Deciding to take a nap after I moved them into my room, I walked out into the hallway only to find my cardboard boxes arranged in a strange manner. They all seemed to be arranged around someone. Gingerly removing one of the boxes and peering into the darkness, my eyes met another pair which was wider, bluer, and more innocent. The pair or eyes seemed to narrow in annoyance at the intrusion.

 

“Do you mind?” the voice of a young girl emitted from within the cardboard fortress. “Auro and I are racing!”

 “…Excuse me?” the question echoed in the confines of the boxes.

 “Me and Auro are racing.”

 “Who are you? Why are you hiding in between my belongings?”

 “I told you, me and Auro are racing!” The girl shouted back indignantly. “And my name is Miya.”

 Finally, the girl stood up. She was probably no older than 12 years old and had blonde, messy hair that was chopped short so that it landed on her neck. She was wearing an orange hoodie with pockets and a face of a bear imprinted on the chest area. In her arms was a brown teddy bear with buttons sewn on for eyes and a bell attached around its neck that jingled whenever it moved. Miya fixed me with a stare before speaking again.

 “Miya Manson.”

Author’s note: Hello! Welcome to the first chapter of ‘What the eyes cannot see’ by Elice, the editor of this blog’s usual posts 🙂 This is pending a rewrite because I think it’s not very good .___.;; But if you think it is nice so far, please leave a comment to tell me ^^

Picture source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bunburyd/3199506149/

 

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My father-in-law 老爺 passed away last Sunday, and we were at his wake from Mon to Wed, and Thu was his cremation day.

3 days (Thu) before 老爺 passed away, he told Mary(his maid) that he had had a dream. He dreamt that he was eating pork alone and was enjoying his meal. By the way, he had not been able to enjoy food for a long time due to his sickness.

Again on the next day(Fri), 老爺 had the exact same dream, and according to Mary(his maid), in the culture of the Philippines, who ever had such a dream, it means that he or she would pass away soon. Mary was afraid after she had heard this, and as she was not sure of our response, she only shared this with us during the wake.

On Sat morning, 老爺 felt breathless, he went to see his doctor and was advised to admit immediately. 

Two weeks ago, we had already planned a 2 days birthday celebration for 老爺 as his birthday falls on Sep 11. We were going to hold the celebration on both Satuaday & Sunday, but due to this last minute emergency, we had to cancel all the arrangements with the vendor and inform all the invited guests. When we visited him after his admission in the hospital, he cried and felt apologetic about his condition.

Other than the fact that he looked much slimmer, he was still talking with much exuberance as if he was very healthy.

Like before, he could not eat or drink and whenever he tried to eat anything, he felt pain and he also could not stand or walk because he would black out.

Later in the afternoon, he vomited some brown stuff and the nurses came to check on him and asked us if he drank anything of that colour. When we said no, we could tell from the nurse’s facial expression that it was not a good sign.

At about 8+pm, he started to feel pain on the right side of his back and had tried to adjust himself to a comfortable position, but every position seemed to be uncomfortable after 5 minutes, and we could tell he was suffering.

Since he fell sick and started the treatment, it has always been a problem for him to pass motion. At about 11pm, he said he had wanted to go to the toilet and he was escorted to toilet. He manged to pass motion but there was also some blood. 

We left the hospital at around past 12 midnight with very mixed feelings.  At the back of our minds, we were thinking that he would last for a few more days, but we were also sort of prepared that we may be called at night to come back. Anyway we all switch our phone ring tone to the loudest.

That night no one had a good sleep, the hospital called us at 8am and we were told to rush to the hospital as soon as possible.

When we reached the hospital, 老爺 was already in the ICU and the doctor had said that this morning, at 6am,  when he went to visit him, he was still ok, but at 8am, his heart had suddenly stopped, the doctor spent 2 hours trying to get his heart working again. He was in a coma. When we arrived at the hospital, his heart beat was between 90 to 99 and we kept telling him to hang on for my sister-in-law to come back from Hong Kong as her plane would arrive at 11:30am. 

We were told by the doctor that this would be his last moments and that he would not wake up from the coma unless a miracle occured. His breathing was supported by all the machines inserted into his body and once his heart beat stops, it is all over. 

My sister-in-law landed and reached the hospital at 12:30. I think 老爺 heard her as his heart beat had jumped from 95 to 109 and even 110 at one time.

The doctor came in to explain the situation to my sister-in-law once again. We were told perhaps in 3 hours,  老爺’s heart will stop, so many of the church friends of my sister-in-law came to visit and baptise him.  

We waited outside the ICU,  and after 3 hours, 老爺’s heart was still beating. We were still full of hope that he would woken up by all the noises and church songs, but at about 6:20pm, I went into the room to check on him and I notice his heart beat fall to 69 and than 57…, I quickly asked the people in the room with him how long had this been going on, but no one replied me. I guess nobody noticed his heart beat was decreasing and I quickly went out of the room to inform my husband and all the relatives to come back into the room. When we came back, his heart beat had fallen to 33 and it hung there for a few seconds before slowly descending to a 0. 

We were sad but we knew that this would come sooner or later. All we could do was to say our final goodbye to him.

 

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